God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
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Ugh but profoundly
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.