Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
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“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Never forget.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account