[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Human are so complicated
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.