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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.