When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
It was worth a shot 😂
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.