Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
mood
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.