Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I have never related to anyone more.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way