I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.