[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
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What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.