[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
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Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.