I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Breaking news:
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene