God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
mood
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.