ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!