Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
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“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Human are so complicated
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache