food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
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Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11