I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
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75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.