Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
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Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.