ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
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*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Mornin. * use accordingly
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.