‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
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*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.