Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
You Might Also Like
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*