Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
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I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png