Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
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If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.