one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
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Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[on my way back to the posting caves]
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.