To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.