Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom