Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Free him
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.