I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
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My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Home #decor warning.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.