Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Customer is always right
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.