Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Got him!
when someone compliments me
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
That’s amazing.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.