Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
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me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.