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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…