Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
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At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.