I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
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But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.