Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
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I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
He a real one for that
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”