The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
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When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*