My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
You Might Also Like
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Guantanamo Bae
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Worth remembering.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.