[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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what could possibly go wrong?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse