The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Just a bush.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.