Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
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The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Warm pools make me nervous.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.