I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
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HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.