i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
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Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
President The Rock Obama
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I’m calling the cops.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.