Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
You Might Also Like
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I know karate and tons of other words.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.