i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Haha good job!!
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work