If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
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Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Put the is in disheveled
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.