Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
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video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
this is the news I live for
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*