Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
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Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Perfect
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”