Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
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When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
can’t talk my ride’s here
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
The human personality is made of five key elements
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!