My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
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If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it