“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
You got this…
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”