If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Don’t tell me what to do
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
found my next D&D character name
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.